i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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