That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
