he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
