did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
third nipple confirmed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
