You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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