Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
