I'm gonna have a badass scar
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
