dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
