I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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