A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
