Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
