Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
