my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
