I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
