Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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