I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
