Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
