shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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