I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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