Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
