wakey wakey hands off snakey
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
