Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
