I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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