Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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