I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
