Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
