My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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