I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
