Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
