You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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