1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
