The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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