that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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