Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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