you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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