I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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