had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
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I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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