When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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