You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
