Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
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well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
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Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you π
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm, like, this π€πΌ close to buying crocs
And you're also π€πΌ to never putting your dick inside me again
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