When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
