I need to stop coming to work sober
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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