the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
