Heybabeimwearingurpanties
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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