My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
now i know why i became what i already was.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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