Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
