there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
