apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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