so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
