Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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