Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
