i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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