What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
