Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
