EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think i got beer on your cat.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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