I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
